Consent

Consent is an ongoing, mutual, and freely-given agreement to take part in sexual activity. It applies to all relationships, all genders, and all sexualities.

We can summarise this as consent is OMFG (ongoing, mutual and freely-given) for everyone!

Consent is required throughout all sexual activity – not just intercourse (or “full sex”). Just because someone consents to one thing, that doesn’t mean they’re consenting to everything – so you have to check in with your partner to make sure you’re both on the same page through every step of sexual activity.

Ongoing also means that everyone can change their mind at any time during sexual activity, even after they’ve said yes to something.

Consent is a mutual agreement shared between both partners, which means it’s about doing things you AND your partner want to do. Mutual agreement means that everyone is on the same page about what’s happening during sex, and most importantly – everyone is enjoying it.

Freely-given consent means that nobody has been coerced, intentionally misled, forced or pressured against their will or is under excessive intoxication by drugs and/or alcohol, and everyone is engaging in sexual activity because they want to.

You need consent for all types of sexual activity- including but not limited to kissing, touching, oral sex, intercourse and sexting/sending nudes.

You also need consent every time you engage in sexual activity with someone; even if you’re in a relationship. Just because you or your partner consents to one sexual act does not mean that they consent to other acts.

And, just because someone did something once doesn’t mean they consent to it again.

It’s always best to just ask for consent, for everything and every time.

Consent as ongoing, mutual and freely-given applies across sexualities and gender identities. However, young LGBTQIA+ people often find it harder to find high-quality, accessible information on sex and sexual health as easily as young people in heterosexual relationships.

Consent education resources like this hub are continuing to expand in terms of inclusivity for these perspectives but there is still work to do. You can also connect directly with Irish LGBTQIA+ organisations like BeLonG To Youth Services and TENI (Transgender Equality Network Ireland).

The same laws in terms of consent, age of consent, the sharing of intimate images and sexual violence and harassment apply to you as a LGBTQIA+ person.

People can communicate their sexual consent verbally (saying it) and non-verbally (showing it).

While our research has found that many young people rely on non-verbal consent communication, we recommend active, verbal consent communication with your partners if possible.

Consent is both mutual and ongoing, so it is important to communicate actively about what you are both comfortable with and keep checking in during each and every sexual encounter.

Verbal consent communication involves expressing through language whether or not you or your partner(s) consent to each stage of sexual activity.

But verbal consent communication actually goes far beyond simply communicating “yes” or “no.”  It also includes ongoing conversations with your partner(s) about what you are each comfortable with, what you enjoy doing and even what you might like to try together in the future.

Verbal consent communication can sound like:

“Are you into this?”

“Do you want me to go faster/shower?”

“I don’t think I’m into this, can we slow down?”

“Can we do ___?”

“I need a break”

“I’d love to try ___, what do you think?”

Our research with Irish secondary school and college students has found that young people more regularly rely on non-verbal and/or passive consent communication. What does that mean?

Let’s look at examples of three commonly used non-verbal consent communication strategies: body language, passive consent and initiator behaviour.

Body language includes physical gestures like smiling, moving closer, placing your partner’s hand where you want to be touched or responding positively to their touch or stimulation.

Passive consent refers to actions like not resisting a partner’s advances, not telling the person to stop, and letting the person engage in touching or sex.

Initiator behaviour describes the first person to “make a move” towards sexual intimacy, and seeing how the other person reacts or continuing until the other person says “No”.

However, all three types of non-verbal consent communication are indirect and might risk misunderstanding between partners. There is a risk that sexual activity without clear, direct consent can contribute to unwanted sexual experiences and sexual violence.

Therefore, we recommend active, verbal consent communication with your partner(s).

Yes, consent must be negotiated each and every time, regardless of whether you are in a relationship or becoming intimate with someone for the first time.

1. Openness and feeling comfortable to communicate regardless of the length of relationship or casual vs. serious nature of the encounter.
2. Confidence in speaking about your comfort levels
3. Mutual ongoing negotiation of boundaries and comfort levels together
4. Awareness and education
5. Talking to others about their experiences to test your perspective and learn from others
6. Trust and respect, and listening to your partner(s) and being heard by them

Challenges to consent can include:

• Awkwardness or embarrassment about communicating directly with our partners
• The impact of gender and peer pressure on how we think we or our partners should behave
• The impact of alcohol and/or drugs on our capacity to consent

Awkwardness or embarrassment about communicating directly with our partners

Our research has revealed that some individuals may experience insecurities in communicating openly about consent.

Secondary school students have reported  fears that direct and open consent communication might ruin the mood, disappoint, upset or offend their partner or result in being rejected or judged by their partners or their peers.

There can be many reasons why it can be difficult for someone to “just say no” to a sexual advance or to express that they are unsure.

An individual might feel awkward or unsure of what they really want. They might be afraid of damaging the relationship or hurting someone’s feelings or the judgment of their peers. You can learn more about how to approach consent communication in the previous section.

However, there may also be violent and/or abusive dynamics happening between individuals like the use of force, the threat of force, intimidation or a power differential in terms of age, position or other factors. Learn more about the definitions of consent, rape, assault and sexual harassment under Irish law here in relationship to these kinds of circumstances.

The impact of gender norms and peer pressure on how we think we or our partners should behave

When it comes to sex and consent, we are influenced in complicated ways by gender and peer pressure that may shape how we act and what we think we should want.

In terms of gender, we may have taken on board common stereotypes about how men and women are supposed to act when it comes to sex and sexuality. These might include beliefs like men should always “want it” and women should not “want it” too much or that men are responsible for moving sexual encounters forward, and that women should resist up until a certain point or they will seem too eager. And if we don’t identify as male or female and/or heterosexual, these norms are even less useful and potentially more confusing for us as we explore sexualities.

Gender norms also shape how we experience peer pressure. Our research with secondary school and college students has repeatedly found what we call a “social norm gap” between what individuals feel comfortable doing themselves and what they think their peers are comfortable doing.

For example, our recent survey of secondary school students found that while 93% personally agreed that consent is needed for all sexual activities, only 54% agreed that other teenagers felt this way. This gap might result in teenagers assuming other teenagers don’t believe that it is important to talk about consent, which may result in limited direct consent communication. However, most in that age group agree that consent is needed for all sexual activities, which means that individuals would be hopefully open to conversation about consent.

The impact of alcohol and/or drugs on our capacity to consent

An individual’s ability to consent to sexual activity is diminished as soon as they begin consuming alcohol and/or take drugs. This is true even if both partners are consuming alcohol and/or drugs. Ultimately, alcohol and/or drugs reduces decision making skills and capacity. If you are unsure if your partner has the capacity to fully consent to sexual activity, do not proceed. This is regardless of whether you have an established sexual relationship, because consent must be ongoing, mutual and freely-given each and every time. However, if you experience sexual violence while under the influence of alcohol or drugs, this is not your fault-the responsibility is with the perpetrator under Irish law.

You can find information here about reporting the incident and the supports that are available for you.

When someone shares a non-consensual sexual experience with you, this is called a disclosure.

Someone may disclose an incident of rape, but it is also a disclosure if they speak to you about an incident of sexual assault or harassment. Learn more about the difference between these categories here.

Here are some tips on how to respond to someone disclosing to you:

Do say “I believe you”: Opening up about a negative sexual experience can be very stressful, so reassure the person that you believe them, and that you are here to support them and listen.

Don’t say things like “Were you drunk?/What were you wearing?/Are you sure that’s what happened?”: That sounds like you think it’s their fault. Try to listen without judgement.

Don’t rush them into telling the whole story if they don’t want to: Follow their lead – they might just tell you a little bit, or they may need to tell you the whole story.

Do ask how you can help: You could offer to find out about support services. Even just listening can make a huge difference.

Don’t say things like “I can’t believe this, I’m going to kill them!”: While it is difficult to hear about someone’s negative experience, take a breath and try to focus on their feelings, instead of your own.

Don’t pressure them into reporting the incident before they are ready: Whatever happens next should be the survivor’s choice. Pressuring them to take action they don’t want can be disempowering and retraumatizing.

Do ask “What do you want to do next?”: They might not know what they want to do right away, but whatever happens next needs to be the survivor’s choice.

Do remember to look after yourself: Hearing about a negative sexual experience can be very difficult, especially if you have had your own negative experiences. Make time for your own self-care and mental wellbeing.

Be aware that you may have different responsibilities or services that you can access depending on whether you have been disclosed to by a friend/peer or whether you are in a position of authority or whether you have been disclosed to by a minor.

Find out more on our Get Help page.

The Republic of Ireland defined sexual consent in law in 2017, stating a person “consents to a sexual act if he or she freely and voluntarily agrees to engage in that act.”

According to the Criminal Law (Sexual Offenses) Act 2017, consent can be withdrawn at any time by an individual including during the middle of a sexual act.

This law also defines some but not all circumstances under which consent is not possible:

• If there is force or the threat of force to the person or someone connected to them
• Someone is asleep or unconscious
• Someone cannot consent due to the effect of alcohol or some other drug
• Someone has a physical disability which prevents them from communicating consent
• Someone is mistaken as to the “nature and purpose” of the act
• Someone is not aware of who they are actually engaging in a sexual act with
• Someone is being held against their will
• Consent has been given by someone other than the person engaging in the sexual act.

You can read the full law here »

The age of consent in the Republic of Ireland is 17. It is illegal to engage in sexual activity with anyone under the age of 17. However, Irish law also says that if there is an age difference of two years or less (for example a 15-year-old and a 17-year-old) that the younger person can consent to this activity. But in this situation, consent must also have been given freely and voluntarily, no one can have felt pressured or intimidated, and neither person can be in a position of authority. The law is not there to criminalise young people but to protect them from abuse and/or exploitation. In the end, it is up to the court to decide if the act was consensual, even if these four conditions were met.

Consent also extends to the sharing of intimate images, whether of yourself or someone else. Be aware that sharing intimate images of a minor (even if it is an image of yourself or between minors) is illegal under Irish law.

“Coco’s Law” came into effect in 2021 and prohibits individuals taking, distributing, publishing or threatening to share intimate images of another individual without their consent and with the intent to cause harm or with recklessness about the harm that could be caused to the individual whose images are shared.

Engaging in those actions is called intimate image abuse, although this practice is also sometimes referred to as IBSA (image-based sexual abuse) or revenge porn (which should be avoided as it indirectly places blame back on the victim).

The image shared does not have to be original (it could be a screenshot) and it does not even have to be actually of the person (it could be a “deepfake” where a person’s likeness is superimposed into another explicit image). What matters in terms of the law is that:

1. it is an image of intimate (i.e. sexual) nature shared without the individuals’ consent
2. It is shared with the intention to cause harm
3. Or it is shared with recklessness in terms of how it could affect the individual depicted

This means that even if you did not originally share the image or did not directly intend to cause harm, you could be liable under this law.

If an image is shared without someone’s consent, learn more here about how to report the incident or get support.

We live in a world where lots of people enjoy sharing images or videos. If you are lucky enough for someone to share with you – treat it like a gift just for you. If you break up or fall out – delete those images.

If this happens to someone you know, listen without judgment. You can also direct them to where to get help or report the incident here »

If you receive an image of someone else and suspect it might have been shared without their consent, speak up within your peer group and/or communicate with the person in the image directly if it is safe to do so. If you work in education or are a parent/caregiver who has learned of intimate image abuse experienced by a minor or other vulnerable person, learn more about your responsibilities for reporting here »

Sexual violence happens when there is non-consent. That means any sexual act or attempt to obtain a sexual act by violence or coercion.

Sexual violence takes place when one or more of the following tactics are used:

1. Verbal pressure (for example, coercion or intimidation)
2. Intoxification/incapacitation (for example, the person has had too much alcohol or drugs and can’t make decisions or has passed out or fallen asleep).
3. Force (for example, using physical force or threatening to use force)

Please be advised that this answer will include explicit description of sexual acts. If you are affected by any of this explanation, you can seek support here »

Rape as defined by Irish law involves the non-consensual penetration of a vagina or an anus by a penis and/or other objects. Absence of consent or recklessness as to whether there is consent is necessary to prove the offense. Read the full law here »

Sexual assault includes any sexual touching without consent and is not limited to sexual touching involving penetration. Technically, the word “assault” also covers actions which put another person in fear of an assault. The law stipulates that it must be intentional and have an “aura of indecency.”

The above actions are categorised legally as aggravated sexual assault if the sexual assault involves “serious violence or the threat of serious violence or is such as to cause injury, humiliation, or degradation of a grave nature to the person assaulted.”

Rape and aggravated sexual assault are felonies under Irish law.

While the majority of survivors of rape and sexual assault are female, these crimes can occur to anyone regardless of gender identity or sexual orientation.

Sexual harassment is also a form of non-consensual sexual violence.

Sexual harassment can occur in real life or through digital/communications platforms.

Legally, sexual harassment is defined by the Equal Status Acts 2000-2018 as “any form of unwanted verbal, non-verbal or physical conduct of a sexual nature, which in either case has the purpose or effect of violating a person’s dignity and creating an intimidating, hostile, degrading, humiliating or offensive environment for the person”.

In everyday life, sexual harassment can occur on a spectrum, ranging from things like name-calling or abusive language in person, or online (even if it is supposedly intended to be “flattering”) or escalate to physical assault and/or sexual violence.

Individuals of all genders and sexualities can experience or commit sexual harassment.

If you are witnessing a friend or a stranger in an uncomfortable situation where they are at risk of being sexually harassed and/or assaulted, you can follow the five D’s of Bystander Intervention, a model first developed by Bibb Latane and John Darley in the United States in the 1970s which has been adapted by many anti-violence groups worldwide.

We have adapted these 5 D’s to give you some strategies for intervening only if it is safe for you to do so.